iBlog…uBlog?

My skin is crawling just thinking about this guy.

I do NOT like spiders. I mean, they can be anywhere! I saw on the Discovery Channel that at any given time in your life you are ALWAYS within seven feet of a spider! Now, that may be total BS, but I’m beginning to think it may be true. Two days ago I sat with a man I work with in a doctor’s office for over an hour. He was outside working and was bitten by a Black Widow spider. Luckily he was alright, it seems he killed the spider before it was able to inject any serious amount of venom into his neck. This occurred on Wednesday.

Yesterday, Thursday, -THE VERY NEXT DAY- I cleaned out an office I had been sharing with my boss. He is a total pig, and I had come to the point where either I was getting another office or his would be cleaned. He agreed to help me clean it, so we embarked on what we thought to be a relatively nonhazardous mission.

Now, I should point out that his office contained a conglomeration of items, few of which had even been moved in the last three years. There were layers upon layers of papers, car parts, Big Mac boxes, and molded ammunition. About halfway through our job we were feeling pretty good. We had made three trips to the dumpster, and you could actually see the floor.

As I began vacuuming the floor, my eyes began to detect tiny red dots moving along the baseboards around the room. I thought, “Whoa, those are some really big chiggers! They must be radio-active!” But alas, these were no chiggers! These were adolescent black widows!!!! I wasn’t sure what to do at this point. I didn’t want to start smashing them because I was afraid one of them would somehow get on me if I got too close. I did what any arachnaphobic man would do… I let out a shrill, girl-like yelp and sucked them up with my vacuum.

Great. Now I’m standing there with a vacuum, a bagless vacuum mind you, with dozens of poisonous spiders therein. I began to trot to the dumpster to chunk the perfectly good vacuum when, from behind me I hear my seven-foot boss begin to yell, “Oh my God! Ahh! Big spider!!! BIG SPIDER!!!”

I dropped the vacuum to return to the spider nest. I had to see this creature that had made my boss involuntarily release his bladder. I walked in the room and I saw him. He was crawling on the rim of the trash can and seemed to be issuing a challenge to everyone present. This, clearly, was the alpha-spider. He was easily the size of a dinner plate, and he seemed to be smirking at me as he spit tobacco juice on the floor. My boss tried to swat him to the floor, but the spider blocked his jab and countered with a roundhouse. An intense struggle ensued, and it became clear that this was a fight for more than bragging rights, this was for survival.

My boss was fatigued and lay slumped in the corner, and the spider had just thrown me against a wall. I lay there feeling quite helpless. The spider approached me, and in his eyes I saw murderous intentions. He began to crouch, preparing for a tobi-kekomi which surely would have meant my demise. Suddenly, the spider began to stumble, gasping for breath. At first he seemed confused, but that quickly gave way to fear. Then I realized what had happened. The spider had swallowed his wad of tobacco! As the spider lay there choking to death, I realized how near to death I had been. I immediately ran outside to call my family and tell them I loved them.

There are two messages you should get from this story:

1. I do NOT like spiders, and
2. You are ALWAYS within seven feet of a spider!